A Child’s View:Should Children Attend Funerals and Memorial Events?

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BY: Jane Arnoff Logsdon, LSW, ACHP-SW

CATEGORY: Grief and Loss
PUBLICATION: About Grief

 

​In my work as School Liaison, the question of whether kids and teens should attend funerals comes up frequently. Parents and caregivers are often uncertain about whether their children should attend funerals; teachers may not be sure what to say to students about attending a classmate’s service. Young people have expressed their concerns and opinions to me. Most students feel strongly that they should be given the opportunity to attend. I have heard from several teenagers who were not permitted to attend the services of grandparents and now harbor resentment and regret.  

Ideas about children and funeral and memorial service attendance have evolved. The widely held belief for many years was that children should not attend funerals or memorial events; that death is an “adult” issue or too much for a young person to bear. We now realize that children are very perceptive and are in tune with what we say and do, even if we try to hide it from them. They are fully feeling and experiencing people; smaller versions of adults who are learning how to navigate life. Many want to understand and experience the difficult areas of life. Additionally, it’s a way for them to learn and grow on the path to becoming a healthy, functioning adult. We recommend that young people be included in the decision about attendance and participation in memorial activities.  

Here are some things to consider:
•    Explain what your child will hear and see before the event. Answer questions as candidly as you can.
•    Realize that it’s okay to mourn together and cry in front of your child. Also, be aware of when your own emotional needs are so potent that you need support, and you may be unable to fully support your child.
•    Set your child up with a “buddy” at the service who can take him or her out if needed, especially if you want to stay in the service the whole time or need to attend to your own emotional needs.
•    Offer children the opportunity to engage in memorial activities. Their ideas and contributions for a deceased loved one can be extremely meaningful. For example, you can give a child a chance to give a reading at a funeral, act as a pallbearer or pass out programs.

Youth and memorial activities can still be a tricky combination. If you have concerns about your child’s attendance, consider your child’s temperament and willingness to accept support. You may decide to do a smaller, private memorial or perhaps visit the cemetery. Leave the door open to what makes sense for that young person, knowing that he or she may be much more ready and stronger than you think.

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