Death of an Adult Sibling

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Adults who experience the death of a sibling are often forgotten mourners. Sympathy quickly focuses on the parents or spouse or children of the deceased. Brothers and sisters may be left to cope with their feelings alone, often with no one to acknowledge their grief or to understand what they are going through. 

When adults lose a brother or sister, there are unique issues they must face in order to move through their grief to some resolution. According to P.G. White, author of the book “Sibling Grief: Healing After the Death of a Brother or Sister,” the grieving sibling needs to find ways to seek a new identity. “When someone has been a part of your life since birth, your identity is based on having them there. They form a part of the field or background from which you live your life, and as such, they are essential. They make up a part of the unbroken wholeness that defines who you are.” Each sibling has strengths and weaknesses and actually “borrows” strength from the other. When a sibling dies, that strength is lost. The survivor’s sense of identity may be threatened. It takes time for the bereaved sibling to learn to nurture within themselves the strength and support once provided by the brother or sister.

Sibling loss can be filled with guilt. Relationships may have been deeply ambivalent, and the memories both good and bad, with fights as frequent as supportive gestures. The key, Dr. White reminds us, is self-acceptance: “Increasing self-acceptance can help us live through this kind of guilt. Perhaps we are not the perfect person we thought - perhaps we were too jealous, or too competitive, or downright mean to our sibling when he or she was living. So, we are flawed, like everyone else. Welcome to the human race. Working on your self-acceptance will support you in the grief process.”

In grieving the loss of a sibling, it is important to feel the emotions connected with the experience and not run from them. Share your feelings with someone you trust. Write a letter to your sibling expressing your feelings. Say what you wish you had said when they were alive. Working through your emotions, can help you move toward healing, and find a place to cherish the memory of your brother or sister. 

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