Ask Dr. Bob: Everything Has Changed, Now What?

BY: Robert Ballantine, MSW, DCC, D.MIN., LISW-S

CATEGORY: Grief and Loss
PUBLICATION: About Grief

Dr. Bob,

My husband recently died and winter is quickly approaching. He did something to the cars to get them ready for the cold. I don't know what to do with anti-freeze. What type of battery does the car take? The house is so quiet. Why cook when it is only me? Nothing is the same! 
-- Ms. Not Adjusting Well

 

Dear Ms. Not Adjusting Well,
The number of changes that occur after a death can be overwhelming. William Worden in his book, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, identifies four tasks that he feels a person needs to go through on their grief journey. What you are experiencing is task number three, "adjust to an environment which the deceased is missing." This can be the most difficult task in one's grief journey. You not only lose the individual, but, all of the roles and responsibilities that were undertaken by the deceased. For many, this can create a major learning curve as you attempt to take on those new roles, especially when our mind can barely function anyway.


When a spouse or partner dies, the atmosphere in the home can change drastically. I visited a client who was living alone after his wife died. Though this visit was nearly twenty years ago, I remember it as if it was yesterday. At one point he looked at me and said, "Bob, the silence is deafening." I remarked, "It must be hard not having any conversations with your wife." He replied, "Oh, Bob, it's so much more than that. You don't hear a pot or pan rattle in the kitchen…or a sneeze…or anything. The silence is deafening."

Who do you share your joys and frustrations with now? Who is there to throw ideas at? All the conversations about what you want to accomplish together are now dreams of the past that will never happen. And you are right… cooking for one is not the same as cooking for someone you love. Even going to the grocery store can be difficult. You pick up your loved one's favorite food, then remember they're not here. The tears form in your eyes as you place the item back on the shelf.

Coming home to an empty house can be very difficult. Many people have a difficult time being in the house during certain times of the day or certain days of the week. Sorting out the deceased's belongings is emotionally difficult. There is no time frame for this to be completed. Every item of the deceased has a story behind it which can trigger memories. There will be adjustments, adjustments, and more adjustments, as task three can be a very difficult time in one's grief journey.

Finding support during this time can make this task more manageable. Family, friends and support groups all can help you find your way. And remember, the Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of Hospice of the Western Reserve is here to help. You are not alone.

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