Misguided “Ground Rules” of Grief

The death of someone close can lead us to expect and often receive wonderful support from the people in our lives. Sometimes, however, grieving people discover that society has established “ground rules” that are not helpful in their grief journey. Some of these misguided notions include: 

1. Life should return to normal shortly after the funeral.

Grieving people often receive great support just after the loss, during the funeral and in the days immediately following. As friends return to their own lives, they may expect that you should as well. In reality, the first weeks after the death of a loved one are just the start of the grief journey.

2. You must get rid of belongings right away.

Well-meaning family and friends may try to “help” by quickly going through the deceased’s belongings and packing them up to be discarded, feeling these will only add to your grief. In reality, the familiar belongings of a loved one can bring great comfort to the person who is grieving.

3. Men should not cry but women must.

Society often places restrictions and expectations on the way a person should grieve. Many men have been taught not to cry and to be strong. Therefore, a man who openly weeps may be perceived as “weak.”  Women who do not show tears may be seen as “cold.” We know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, regardless of gender. How you express your grief is as personal as the loss itself.

4. Some losses are more valid than others.

Society often places hierarchical value on different types of loss. The loss of a pet may be seen as less meaningful than that of a sister. The death of a distant grandparent may be perceived as less important than that of a close friend. Consequently, many grievers are disenfranchised because society doesn’t recognize their loss as significant. The reality is that grief is not a competition, and every person has the right to grieve.

5. Widows/Widowers must give up their couple friends because they feel uncomfortable around you.

Sometimes death can be a harsh reminder of your mortality. Because of this, couple friends may consciously or unconsciously avoid the surviving spouse of a friend who has died. This can be very hurtful to the grieving person who needs their support now more than ever. 

6. You have exactly one year to get over this.

The world around us is moving faster than ever, and it can be difficult for friends and family to understand why someone is “still” grieving after a year. Unfortunately, there is no magic in reaching that milestone and there is no timeline for grief. The nature of your grief journey lies in your relationship with the person who died, your style of coping, the support you have around you, and many other factors. Your grief is as individual as the loss you have experienced. 

Grief is a personal journey that can’t be directed by others. It is ok for you to feel how you feel, regardless of the “rules” imposed by society. If you are supporting someone who is grieving, start by just being present and available without judgment. This may be the best gift you have to offer.